Okay, it's time to blog!!!

Okay, the short version because I'm not ready to tell the long story. I have been having problems with my stomach, sleeping problems and some mental health issues that make me sad and I seem to cry for no reason. I had a very long visit with my doctor (he noticed something was wrong when I was there when Dave had an appointment and insisted I see him). Both Dave and Kristen offered to go with me, but I felt I needed to see my doctor by myself, and while I shared most of my visit with both of them, I just wasn't comfortable with them being in the room while I was with the doctor.

My doctor is now setting up an appointment to see a gastroenterologist to help with all my stomach problems (diarrhea, loss of appetite, pain when I do eat) and I am waiting for his office to call me. I am also going to see a doctor who specializes with sleep disorders to see if we can take care of that problem also.

My doctor is also setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk with me and monitor the medications that I take for my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I have heard that this psychiatrist is very good. The only thing that scares me about this doctor is that he likes to "invite" my family - husband, daughter, mother, brother and sisters, friends or anyone else who he thinks might help me solve my problems. He likes to see how the family and friends interpret what is going on in my life and how they feel about it and how supportive they might be with the treatment plan. This scares me to death, but maybe it is just what I need.

Anyway, I feel I am on the right track now and maybe after a while all my blogs will be about positive things!!!!

Wow, has it really been that long since I blogged???

I can't believe I have not blogged in such a long time. Just no excuse, just lazy on my part. My brain is so full of thoughts I don't even know where to begin. It has been exhausting taking Dave to physical therapy every day for the last month and then rushing home to cook dinner. I have been deeply depressed in the last month and can't seem to get passed it and I don't know what I am going to do. I find myself crying for no reason and just want to sleep all the time and then I am awake most of the night. I think my sleep pattern has contributed to a lot of my depression. I took Dave to see our doctor on Feb. 26th for follow up on his back and the doctor noticed something because when we were leaving he told me that he wanted to see me and asked the nurse to make me an appointment for the next time I could get in as the last patient of the day - which gives us lots of time to talk without him worrying about another patient waiting for him. If he noticed, I guess I am in bad shape. My appointment is on March 10th at 4:30. It seems so far away, but I know it will be here sooner than I think.

I invited Dave's sister, Von and her boyfriend, Mike, over on Feb 21st for Dave's birthday lunch. The surprise was on us. On January 21st, they went to City Hall in San Francisco and got MARRIED. They have been together for over 30 years and just now decided to get married. They have had their ups and downs over the years, but always seemed to find their way back together, so I am happy for them. Von is 63 and Mike is 61, so I guess you really can find happiness at any age!!!! I have to say that I was a little tense about them coming to visit. I have not talked to Von since her mother died last summer and she didn't help with any of the things that go with the death of a parent and I guess I was just a little pissed that she didn't help with the clean up or the garage sale. We spent the afternoon looking at 3 boxes of pictures of her family so that she could take the ones she wanted. There were actually 4 boxes of pictures, but it got late and frankly we were all a little tired of looking at pictures!!! She ended up taking about 1 box (I'm talking moving box size, not shoe boxes), so I still have 3 boxes with pictures, photo albums and picture frames to either pack away, throw away or put on display!!!!!

Dave and I went to Jackson on his birthday, Feb. 23rd and had a good time. We didn't really win anything, but hit enough little jackpots to keep us there all day. Dave actually came home with $100 more than he started with and I hit a jackpot on the Wheel of Fortune quarter machine for 1,000 quarters so that was fun. Dave hit a lot of $100 jackpots on the $1 machines, but after a while we put most of it back in the machines. It was a fun day and I'm glad we went.

I have had a terrible headache for the last month that just doesn't want to go away. I teased Dave that I must have a brain tumor!!!! It is probably just a combination of depression, sleep disturbance, not having a job. It is really starting to affect the pocketbook!!! I never made that much money but it was nice to have a little extra and not have to count pennies!!!

I will try to blog more often, but to be honest, last week Dave was on vacation and I only turned my computer on once the whole time. I have lost interest in doing just about everything. I never read the paper (I used to wake up eager to read what was going on in the world and the big city of Lodi), it takes me 3 weeks to read a book (used to read 2 or 3 a week), TV is just noise to me now and I don't want to really talk to anyone. I only call mom because I don't want her calling Kris or Dave to see why I am not answering my phone. I think I just need a vacation all alone!!!!

I will try to do better about blogging, but I am not making any promises. Just don't give up on me!!!!

Things you might not know...

Just wanted to share some things you might not know and maybe you don't even want to know, but just felt the need to say them.

I am a people pleaser and do a lot of things I don't want to do, don't want to say and don't want to listen to. I do have this big fear that no one will like me if they knew what I was really thinking and saying in my head. I think that is why I have so many headaches. Tension from being "so nice" is really starting to get to me. I also don't do a lot of things that I would enjoy because I fear that someone will think I am dumb, inconsiderate or just not a nice person. I feel like I am having a harder time trying to please everyone and that I might just explode one day. Can't you see the newspaper headline now - ELAINE'S HEAD EXPLODED FROM BEING TOO NICE. I have spoken to my doctor about this and how I feel like I just want to "runaway from home" and just be myself - no phones, no chores, no favors, no one to ask me to do something for them - just do what I want and not worry about doing things for others. I think the only one who really understands this is Kristen, probably because I have told her so. I know I can say no to her and she will understand. She is the best thing in my life and I love her so very much.

I am also a control freak and a lot of things bother me deeply, but I don't know how to fix them. I want the whole world to get along and do things for others that they might not want to do (after reading the above paragraph, you would think that is a contradiction in my thought processes, but I guess if I do it, why doesn't every one else?). I don't know if this makes me crazy or not!!! I spoke to my psychiatrist one time about the relationship between Dave and his mother and how I did not like the way each treated the other. He explained to me that they did not have a problem with their relationship or they would be sitting in the chair opposite him trying to find a solution. I explained to him that I was never comfortable when both of them were in the same room because I never knew if one would say something to upset the other and I didn't want to witness the conversation. Also, Dave would complain to me about his mother and his mother would complain to me about Dave and I didn't know what to say to make either feel better. The doctor said that it was my problem and I was trying to control something that really had nothing to do with my relationship with either one of them and I should let them have the relationship that they wanted and not try to change them to make myself more comfortable. I find that I do that with a lot of people who do not really get along or who I know have had a disagreement. I try to tell myself that it is not MY problem, but I want to help them get along and love each other as much as I love them both. I understood what the doctor was saying, just can't seem to make it happen!!!!

I do not take criticism well. My feelings get hurt very easily and when someone says something negative about what I have said, done, cooked, cleaned, the way I drive, the foods I eat, the TV shows I like to watch, the way I treat my mother, the way I treat my daughter (by doing too much for her) or other things like that, I feel like some one just punched me in the gut. I think that is my fear of failure that always rears its ugly head and the fear that the person will not like me, have less respect for me and not treat me as nicely as I try to treat them. I know you can learn a lot from constructive criticism, but why do I always take it as a big failure to the other person. I try hard to do everything right, but I obviously don't think everyone thinks that about me and it makes me crazy. The funny thing is that I don't remember being criticized much when I was a kid, but as an adult, I feel almost every day someone wants to tell me the "correct" way to do or say or treat people or drive or even what I make for dinner. It's not always Dave - it is almost every one I love and I fear that these people will stop loving me if I don't do things their way. I have been working on this for a long time and I do feel that I have made some progress, but I still feel guilty when I speak up for myself or just tell the person to F*#$ off and leave me alone.

More stuff you might not know at a later time. This was very hard for me to write. Hope no one is mad at me!!!!

Yes, I know.....

Yes, it has been a long time since I have written anything and I have no real excuse. It is just hard to sit down and write what you are thinking and feeling. I am ashamed of myself for not taking the time to get things off my chest. Some days I feel like the world is going to fall down around me and I panic and just try to sleep the day away. Basically I think I am just hiding from my problems - I guess that is called denial - and think that tomorrow I will do what needs to be done and said - I guess that is called wishful thinking - but I just keep putting things off. I think I feel like if I don't want to think about it, no one would want to read about it, so I just don't do anything. So, I am going to try to blog something at least a couple of times a week from now on, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. So keep bugging me about it if I don't.

What If......????

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days and a lot of my thoughts were "what if?" Dave says I am the "what if queen", but he means it as a compliment. I am always asking "what if" when we go to the doctor or buy something big (like a car) and things like that. He says I always bring up things he never even thinks about and he likes it that I think about all the "what ifs" that I do. He thinks it is a sign of intelligence that I think "on my feet" about such things. Anyway, most of my what ifs lately have not always been good things, but I feel the need to share some of them tonight. A lot of them have been on my mind a lot over the years and for some reason the last few days have just been one "what if" after another. So here goes.

WHAT IF my father were still alive and had not died at the age of 46? How would he and my mom be doing right now? Would he be healthy and able to take care of mom - getting her to the doctor and taking her shopping and things like that. Would we all gather together for the holidays at their house? Would us kids be planning their 60th wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day this year? I know he would love being around his grandchildren and great grandchildren and make each one of them feel special. He always made me feel that way. I mentioned this to Shirley the other day that my one big regret is that when Dad was so sick, I never told him that I loved him. By the same token, he never told me that he loved me either, but I always felt especially loved by my father and that he had enough love in his heart to love all of us kids equally, BUT I always think that he loved me most!!!!! Just kidding!!

WHAT IF my parents had stopped having children after I was born? How would my life be different if I didn't have three younger sisters? I cannot imagine what it would be like not to have Deb, Shirl and Shelia and their families as part of my life. I think of all the times the family has gotten together over the years and how different it would be if my sisters were not there. I love my sisters (even though we have had arguments and pissed each other off so many times all of our lives), but I don't think I would be the person I am today without my three baby sisters!!!!

WHAT IF I had not married Dave and married someone else? How different would my life be? Would I be happy? Would I have had 3 or 4 children instead of just one? Would I have put up with all the bullshit that I have put up with for so many years if I was married to some one else? Even though things are 90% better now than they have ever been, should I settle for not being 100% happy with my marriage? Is 100% happy even realistic in any relationship? I have said before that with my relationship with Dave that all I ask for is chocolate and as hard as he has tried, I only get Skittles. I know he is trying to please me, but I'm not getting the chocolate that I need!!!!!

WHAT IF I didn't have my wonderful daughter? She is absolutely the best daughter in the world. I can't imagine not having her in my life. We do things together and have fun and she is my one soft place to fall and my rock to lean on when I am feeling down and out. Not only is she my best friend, she is probably the smartest woman I know and tells me like it is whether I want to hear it or not (kind of like her Aunt Shirley). She helps me see things from a different perspective and helps me solve some emotional and mental problems even though she doesn't always realize that she has done so. She is funny, smart, beautiful, kind, hard working, ambitious and has the kind of confidence in her abilities that I envy. I try very hard not to depend on her for my only source of entertainment, but she does ask me to go places with her and we always have fun and I am always happy when I am with her. I love the fact that she can share "secrets" with me and know that her secrets are safe with me. We always schedule our pedicures for the same day each month and it is one of my favorite things we do together.

WHAT IF I was completely healthy and did not have diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts and was not a big fat hog??? All my health problems would disappear (well maybe not the mental health issues) and I could live a long healthy life if I lost weight. Why do I procrastinate eating healthy and exercising regularly? I have always said that I would die for Kristen, but why don't I succeed in living longer for Kristen. Just think how much easier my old age (okay older age, I am already old!!) would be for me and for her if I would just get off my fat ass and exercise, quit smoking and eat healthy and take care of myself better. That one I think I figured out. I have always put myself at the bottom of the list of things to take care of first, but I just realized that I am not even on the list. I want to be at the top of the list, but I am such a "people pleaser" that I usually put everyone else up there because I don't want anyone to be mad at me or not like me or hurt anyone's feelings. I know that has to change, but I also know that after 55 years, it will not happen overnight. I need to learn to say "NO" more often and that is something I am going to work on. I just made that promise to myself - No one will be more important than I am!!!!!

WHAT IF I had the confidence to go back to school and become a certified public accountant? That is what I wanted to do when I graduated from high school. It seems a little dumb to try that now since by the time I finished school, it would be time to retire, but at least I could say I had a degree in something. I do love doing medical transcription, but technology is going to make those kind of jobs few and far between. Is it too late to start a new career? Again, that "failure" thing comes to mind that I would not be able to "cut the mustard" and not be able to finish school and get a job at my age. I like working with numbers and I love to type and enter data entry, but I don't know if I have the ability or the confidence to actually start something like that at my age. I guess I will never know if I don't try. Something more to "what if" about right now.

Somehow Today Seems Better!!!

I woke up this morning and actually hopped right out of bed with a new determination to make it a great day. I took care of all of Dave's doctor's appointments (read prior blog) and was done by 10:00. Dave is going to be having a lot of appointments in the next 2 weeks and as luck would have it, I emailed him the dates and times and he does not have any meetings or reasons to work late on those dates. Yeah for me and yeah for him. I decided to make some homemade turkey wing and rice soup (I made it from the carcass of the turkey after Christmas and it was so good I decided to try it again). I invited Kristen since I forgot to invite her after Christmas and she enjoyed it so much she took a bowl home to take for her lunch tomorrow.

I have thought long and hard about what I am going to do about getting a job and since the Lodi News Sentinel had about 4 jobs listed, I decided I am going to try the temporary job route. I am hoping to go to two different ones here in town and see what they have to offer and then just hope for the best. I have it stuck in my head that I can only do medical transcription since I have done that for 18 years, but I know how to work in an office - typing, answering phones, filing, faxing, copying and I even have a little bookkeeping experience - so who knows what kind of jobs I might be sent to fill in for, even if it is for a few days or weeks. It might lead to a full-time job with benefits and retirement, who knows, but at least I will be working and not sitting at home moping around.

I also think it will inspire me to take better care of myself so that I don't look like a big fat hog that no one would consider hiring and I might also get healthier. I watched the Biggest Loser tonight and one of the contestants at age 28 was on about 10 medications and with about a 30 pound weight loss, he is now completely off all of his medications. That is my new goal - get rid of the medications I have to take to control my blood pressure, 3 different medications for diabetes, fatty liver and the three I take for depression and panic attacks.

So I am taking a better attitude to bed with me tonight and see if I can do that every night. OMG, I might just have inspired myself.

What am I going to do now????

Dave had a doctor's appointment today and I always go with him because 1) he would not go by himself and his health would be terrible and 2) I enjoy talking with our doctor because he is funny and always has a great adventure story to tell us. I think he works so he can afford all of his hobbies - he likes to snow ski, helicopter snow ski, ride a motorcycle, fly a plane and travel all over the world. He just got back from a vacation in Vietnam.

Anyway, at the last appointment that Dave and I went to in September, he talked to me about doing his transcription for him and the doctor that he shares his office with. He said he would call me after he got back from vacation and we would talk again. That was about the time mom started her radiation treatments and I was busy and didn't really think about working at that time.

Anyway, I talked with him today and he told me that they are now going to voice recognition dictation, which will be typed as he speaks. If you have ever gone to the doctor with mom, you know how they have a computer in the exam room and they can pull up information within a few seconds including lab results and consultation notes from other doctors. That pretty much means that most doctors in this town are no longer going to need transcriptionists.

So, here I am at age 55, eager and willing to work, and probably will take months to find a job. Of any kind. I don't even think I could get a job flipping burgers because of my age and inexperience. I have been doing transcription work for 18 years.

I have spent the evening trying not to let Dave know how much this bothers me and how sad I am that the job that I love so much is being eliminated. I spoke with Kris and couldn't bring myself to even tell her for fear that I would start crying. I really want to work in some capacity and I don't even care what kind of work it is, but I just feel the need to bring in some sort of income. I don't want to be a housewife. I want to work!!!!

I guess I have already become Dave's private secretary. Dave was having severe pain in his right leg that has progressively gotten worse. Dave has had problems with left-sided sciatica pain for several years. There is pressure on his spine that presses against his sciatic nerve and evidently when he was remodeling the bathroom, his spine twisted and now the pain is on the right side. So tomorrow I am calling a physical therapist to set up an appointment and make sure I don't need a prior authorization so he can start physical therapy 3 times a week for 4 weeks. The doctor also wants him to see a chiropractor so I have to make that appointment also and call the insurance company to see if it is even a covered procedure with Dave's insurance. I already went to the pharmacy and picked up some pain pills for him. Dave is also having problems hearing, so I am calling to get him an appointment for a hearing test and see if he needs a hearing aid. I will probably have to clear that with the insurance company also to see what extent of a hearing test he needs to qualify for a hearng aid.

Anyway, the tears are starting to fall and I don't want to go to bed until they stop so I don't wake Dave up. With his pain pills, he is probably in a deep sleep anyway!!!!!

If you have any ideas or job leads, let me know. I will work for minimum wage, but I feel like I just have to find a job now. It is not so much for the money (but who couldn't use more money), but for my own self esteem - to let the world know that I am a hard working, motivated employee that can get the job done!!! I am just so depressed. I just took an extra Valium so that I can relax enough to fall asleep, but I don't think that I will get much sleep tonight.

What a Day!!

This has been one of the grossest days I have had in a long time. I woke up around 7:30 and after going to the bathroom, I wanted to get the newspaper off the porch. Max is still unsure about what he should do when the front door opens, so I give him the command to sit and stay and that has been working very well for the last several months. So I told him to sit and stay and opened the screen door to fetch the paper. Then I heard it. Max is gagging and starts to puke, but he did sit and stay, so what ya gonna do. I had to clean it up. I have the weakest stomach ever and cleaning up puke whether human or dog starts me gagging. I put him out the back door and he went pee and poop. Yeah Max. He seems fine now. I had errands to run - pick up some groceries and medicine from the pharmacy and I wanted to get them done because Kristen was going to borrow my car to go to Turlock for a work-related event and I wanted all my errands done before she had to leave.

So I get dressed and go out to the car (parked on the street) and there is dew all over the windows. I have a squeegee in the back seat so I get it out and start wiping off the windows, starting with the back windshield, to the passenger side windows, front windshield and then I see it. Some asshole has spit a big ball of snot on the driver side window and it is slowly dripping down the window. Again, I start gagging, but I had to clean it up. Even now it grosses me out to think about it.

So I do my errands and I am gone just a little over an hour and when I get home, I find that Max has crapped in front of the TV. I again have to clean that up and clean the carpet. It was gross, a little loose and (the worst) still warm. Again, I start gagging and almost actually puked myself. I get out the Lysol and spray and now I am gagging because I do not really like the scent of the Lysol. I probably overdid it with the Lysol, but I didn't want the smell in the house.

I still had things to do so I start the first of three loads of laundry and wash the dishes from dinner last night, cleaned the bathroom and made the bed. I was trying to MOVE more, so I tried to do things the dumb way instead of the easy way. When I folded the laundry and had to put it away (I hate putting laundry away) instead of piling in it the laundry basket, I walked each pile of folded laundry to its proper place - one trip for the towels, one trip for the washclothes, one trip for the dish towels, one trip for my underwear, one trip to the closet with my blouses and one trip to the closet for my pants (you get the idea) so that I burned a few more calories. Also, when at the grocery store (I needed about 7 items) I walked up and down each isle of the entire store. No I didn't break a sweat, but at least I was attempting to move a little more.

I had a turkey sandwich for lunch (no chips today) and for dinner (Dave got paid today and it has been our tradition for ever that I don't cook on payday and we go get something and bring it home, but how nice it would be to actually eat at the restaurant). We decided on spaghetti and ravioli, which comes with a huge salad. I ate the salad with a couple of bites of spaghetti and about 4 little raviolis and 1/2 piece of bread, so I am feeling pretty good about what I put in my mouth today.

Then the worst happens. Within about 20 minutes after dinner, I got the worst stomach ache and spent the next 1/2 hour on the toilet (I know, Kris, too much information). I don't think it was the food because Dave ate the same thing and he felt fine. After 3 more episodes of being in the bathroom, now I feel fine. So I guess I will get ready for bed now and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I emailed Dave and told him the morning things that had happened and within about 10 minutes, he calls me on the phone and says he has a big ball of snot on the windshield of his car and could I come clean it. Actually he told me that since I was having such a bad morning that he just wanted to call me and tell me that he loved me (he never tells me that) and that he was sorry that I was having a bad day and that he hoped the rest of the day would be better. That was sweet and rather surprising because he hates to talk on the phone and usually only calls me when he has to work late or if he is "parked" on the freeway because of an accident and doesn't want me to hear about an accident on the freeway and worry that he might be involved. We talked about 10 minutes and he told me some funny things that had happened at work and just a little chit chat and then he asked me if I felt better. I think he knows that sometimes I just get overwhelmed when a lot of things happen that I have no control over and he just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. He did come home making gagging noises as he came through the door, but by then I thought it was funny.

Okay, I am going to bed now!!!!

Time for the Weight Issue

As you all know, I am overweight, actually obese. I know this is at the root of all of my health problems - diabetes, high blood pressure and depression. But why don't I do something about it? Probably because I use food to medicate myself, calm myself, comfort myself, for celebrations and as an excuse. I don't want to fail. I have a great fear of failing at everything I do and so therefore, I just don't try. I have lost the 30 pounds and gained back 40 pounds so many times and I figure why put myself through another failure. I eat even when I am not hungry. If it looks good, I will eat it and if it tastes good, I eat even more. I don't know why I eat. I have kept a food journal in the past and was surprised at how much I put in my mouth every day, but that hasn't kept me from doing it again the next day.

I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser thinking that would inspire me to change my thoughts about food, but tonight after the show was over, I started thinking that maybe I am eating to avoid success. If I lose a lot of weight, I would have to work harder just to keep it off and then there is the fear of failure again.

I have told myself that people will either like me the way I am or not, and it should not matter what I look like, but the kind of person I am. Wrong!!! I have told myself that I am such a control freak but fear hurting others with what I want to say to them, that what I put in my body is under my control. Wrong!!! It hurts no one but myself. Wrong!!! I have told myself that I just need someone to show me the way, but that has not worked either. I tried Weight Watchers and was very successful, but it was a program at Blue Shield where I worked where the person actually came once a week during lunch time to encourage and keep track of the weight we had lost or gained. When the program ended and I had no one to account to, I gained all the weight back. I could have joined the local Weight Watchers, but I didn't because it was just one more thing that I had to do. The truth of the matter is that I have never REALLY tried to lose weight for MYSELF. It was always to impress or please someone else - Dave, Kristen, my coworkers, my mother, my doctor - although none of them ever knew that, so I can't blame them. I have taken diet pills that helped, but if there was a great temptation, I ate even when I was not hungry. I know the two most important rules to lose weight is to eat healthy and just move in some fashion. Like I said before, some mornings it is just so hard to get out of bed, I just want to lay there and cry, so I always promise myself that I will start tomorrow.

Two things happened tonight while watching the Biggest Loser. During a commercial, I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. My alarm clock is on the dresser and you actually have to get out of bed to turn it off. Once I am up, I won't go back to bed. I am going for a walk in the morning or at least get up and do some exercises on TV. Kristen showed me how to use On Demand for free exercise shows a few weeks ago and I am going to try to exercise for the 20 minutes the programs are set up for. Second - and this is a big one for me - I usually have a "snack" while watching the show, but tonight I realized that I was not hungry and I didn't eat anything, but drank a glass of water.

It seems like a light bulb went off tonight and I realized that I have to lose weight for myself and my health and not try to impress or please anyone. Even if I only lose a pound a week, that is okay. I always want instant gratification and I want to see a 10 pound weight loss every week. I have said this before, but now I some how really believe that I didn't gain 10 pounds in a week, so it is oky if I don't lose 10 pounds in a week. A pound a week is 52 pounds in a year and while I need to lose a lot more weight than that, I don't want to be disappointed if I only lose 30 pounds in a year. That's 30 pounds I didn't gain!!!!!

Kristen lives across the street from Lodi High and we have talked about getting together and walking the track (four times around is a mile) and I am going to try that with or without Kristen. When she is too busy, I can't let that be the excuse not to do it myself and not depend on her to motivate me to just keep moving.

So between just walking around the block, exercising with the TV and walking the track, I am really going to just move some how every day. I don't know what my weight is exactly and I am not going to weigh myself. If I lose weight, I will be tempted to "celebrate" with food and if I don't lose weight, I won't feel like a failure. When my clothes start falling off, I will just try to find a new size that fits, but to be honest, I have clothes that are at least 2 sizes to small in my closet, so I may not have to shop for a while. That's okay. I hate shopping!!!!

So everyone have good thoughts that I can succeed in my new way of thinking and maybe the next time you see me (Tammy, I mean you) you won't recognize me. HA HA. That was supposed to be funny. But at least I might be healthier. And yes, I will blog about quitting smoking some other time!!!!

I'm overwhelmed!!!

I have received comments - even some from emails because the G-mail accounts haven't been figured out yet - and it makes me feel so good that you all care enough to voice your opinions and encourage my blogging. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be because when you read something, even though you have heard it with your ears, reading it and reading it again, seems to sink in a little better. I have procrastinated all day writing the blog as you can see that it is almost 11:00 p.m. and I am just sitting down to type.

I had a hard time just getting out of bed today - it was after 10:30 a.m. before I could actually force myself to get up. To be honest, if I wasn't worried about my dog, Max, having to go outside to potty, I might still be laying in bed. Max has been a very calming part of my life. He is just the sweetest dog and loves to be held and petted and loves to kiss his mama!!!! I talk to him like he really understands what I am saying and he cuddles when I need it and wants to play when I want to play with him. He has really made a major difference in my life and I have only had him for 10 months today. He calms me when I feel a panic attack coming on and makes me laugh when I feel like crying. I just love him to death. He is such a good boy.

In case you don't know, Max is a pure-bred mini schnauzer and weighs about 14 pounds - not a tiny dog, but not a big dog and just the perfect size to sit in your lap and cuddle. When I decided I wanted another dog, I saw an ad on the groomer business that is next to the place where we get Chinese food and I wrote down the number and called and made an appointment to go see the puppies. The parents had a total of 5 puppies - 3 females and 2 males and there were only the two males left. I really had my heart set on a female dog, but the puppies looked so cute in the picture, I decided to go have a look. Kristen went with me. When the owner brought the puppies in the room, one was running all around and jumping on the furniture and there was little Max who walked over, sat down next to my feet and just looked up at me like he was saying "pick me, pick me." It was love at first sight. I think he has really helped me start to care more about myself and my state of mind because I put his needs before mine, BUT I want too. And yes he is a spoiled little dog and he loves his belly rubbed, but it makes me feel good to make him feel good. I don't think I could live without him!!!!

Anyway, thanks again for the comments and keep them coming. I feel strength and confidence when I read what you have to say and I love that you care enough to read what I write.

Mother, Mother, Mother

What can I say about my mother? I love her to death, but sometimes, most times, almost all the time, she can drive a person to drink. I don't know how to deal with her whining, hinting, pity parties, aches, complaints, ridiculous ideas and attention getting actions. She has called me four (yes four) times today. Once was to get the lottery numbers from the newspaper. Later it was just to tell me that she was getting in the shower and just wanted someone to know in case she slipped and fell. Again she called to see if I had heard from my brother, Richard and the fourth time was to tell me that Richard had called her and he is having some problems following his knee surgery and hoped that I would call him with all the answers he needed to miraculously heal by the end of the day.

I try very hard to be patient with her because I can understand that she is lonely and her only mode of transportation is walking and it is cold outside and she does have breathing problems and arthritis problems, but I wish she did not use her children and grandchildren as her only source of entertainment. I have talked with my sister, Shirley, about this and she has told me that "we" have to be the parent and treat her and talk to her like she is the child who does not get everything she wants when she wants it. I agree totally with Shirley, but I have a hard time doing it. Something I think about every day - saying no without hurting her feelings or making her feel like she is a burden to her children.

I feel like she thinks that if we are not working, we should be spending every minute with her at her house, take her shopping, take her to Jackson, take her to lunch or dinner, take her to get a pedicure, etc. and does not WANT to understand that we are tired, have our own houses to clean, groceries to buy, spend time with our kids, take a nap, read a book or just sit and watch a movie. She makes me feel guilty that I want to do these things for myself and that I am being selfish if I do.

I have a very hard time saying "No" to anyone, but especially my mother. After all, I think about what she went through having so many kids so close together in age and what she must have felt like trying to take care of us. She must have wanted some alone time way back when we were kids, but she didn't and I think she even enjoyed it. I think she loves being a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother. BUT, I think she feels that she has earned that same kind of devotion she had for us from all of us. Unfortunately, the world is different now than it was back then and wives now have full time jobs, have interests that she doesn't understand and probably doesn't think that we are tired and CAN and DO things because we want to and not because we have to.

I have talked to her on numerous occasions about taking up a hobby - reading, knitting, jigsaw puzzles and things like that. Not only would I find them relaxing, the time flies when I would do those kind of things and the day goes by much faster. She needs to learn to entertain herself and not depend on her kids to have fun. I love it when we do all get together for holidays and birthdays, but I don't think it would be so much fun if it became an every day thing or an obligation to attend when you have other things you want to do.

I guess part of me is afraid that if I say "No" or Maybe later" that if something happens and she passed away, I would feel terrible that the last thing she asked me to do for her I didn't make the effort to do and I would never be able to forgive myself for not doing it for her. I know she won't be around forever, but it just seems like she is never content with what she gets or wants and that I am constantly doing things for her that I really don't want to do, have time to do or it is something she could easily do herself. How do the rest of you handle the "guilt" part of this?

And you know the scary thing about this???? I'm afraid that Kristen is going to feel the same way about me that I do about my mother!!!! I hope I have learned a lesson from mom and not count on Kristen to be my only source of entertainment, errand girl, "get me out of the house" person, cry on her shoulder person - and just be a fun mother who she wants to visit and enjoys being around. Really Kristen, I pray for that every time I do something for my mom that I really don't want to do!!!

Who I am and why I want to blog!!!

Who am I? Just an older lady with a lot of thoughts that I cannot always verbalize. I do not like confrontations, arguments, raised voices or words dripping with anger or criticism. I just want everyong to "get along" and wouldn't the world be a better place to be? I have had and currently have some mental health issues and have actually seen a psychiatrist for a while. He taught me many things about myself. The one thing I remember most is that he recommended that I write in a journal everyday - not worry about spelling, sentence structure or paragraphs, but just write down what I was feeling and why and if I could figure out a way to handle the situation, put that down also so we could talk about it later. I did that for a while, but like most people, it suddenly became just another "chore" I had to do, so I stopped. And the fact that I am lazy. And the fact that I did not want to think about what was bothering me and if and when I could figure out a way to fix it. Well it is a new year and I have thought about blogging since both my daughter and niece blog their thoughts and I like reading them as they give me enjoyment and are sometimes learning experinces about what is going on in their lives. You notice it took me 11 days of the new year to actually sit down and figure out how to start a blog, so I guess you could say I procrastinate also. It took me less than 10 minutes to sign up to blog and actually start typing, so it wasn't that hard.

I wanted to blog because I would like to be able to see in writing what I am thinking and try to put it into some order that would make sense about what I am feeling about my life. Why I'm happy, why I'm sad, why I'm angry, why I'm hurt, why I'm disappointed and why I put off doing things that really need to be done. And I would welcome any comments from anyone who reads this. Just be warned that you may be the one that makes me happy, makes me sad, makes me angry, hurts my feelings or disappointments me. My point is not to piss anyone off, but to let people know what "My Inner Thoughts" are and see if someone can help me figure out things from a different perspective and point of view.

Also, if days go by and I don't blog, I need someone to bug me to blog, because that is when I will probably need to do it the most. Like I said, I don't want to piss anyone off, but I think it will be hard to say what is bothering me when the person bothering me will be reading this. Just remember, if I didn't love you, what ever you said or did wouldn't matter to me. Maybe I misunderstood you or just didn't see things from your point of view. My feelings do get hurt pretty easy and for some reason I have not figured out, I don't know how to handle letting people know.

Basically, I am asking for help to make myself a happier person who can learn to deal with what life throws at me. I hope I can count on all who read this blog to help me live a stress-free (as much as possible), happy, productive, care free live and become a better wife, mother, sister, aunt and daughter. Help me please!!!! Come on, you can do it!!!