What If......????

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days and a lot of my thoughts were "what if?" Dave says I am the "what if queen", but he means it as a compliment. I am always asking "what if" when we go to the doctor or buy something big (like a car) and things like that. He says I always bring up things he never even thinks about and he likes it that I think about all the "what ifs" that I do. He thinks it is a sign of intelligence that I think "on my feet" about such things. Anyway, most of my what ifs lately have not always been good things, but I feel the need to share some of them tonight. A lot of them have been on my mind a lot over the years and for some reason the last few days have just been one "what if" after another. So here goes.

WHAT IF my father were still alive and had not died at the age of 46? How would he and my mom be doing right now? Would he be healthy and able to take care of mom - getting her to the doctor and taking her shopping and things like that. Would we all gather together for the holidays at their house? Would us kids be planning their 60th wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day this year? I know he would love being around his grandchildren and great grandchildren and make each one of them feel special. He always made me feel that way. I mentioned this to Shirley the other day that my one big regret is that when Dad was so sick, I never told him that I loved him. By the same token, he never told me that he loved me either, but I always felt especially loved by my father and that he had enough love in his heart to love all of us kids equally, BUT I always think that he loved me most!!!!! Just kidding!!

WHAT IF my parents had stopped having children after I was born? How would my life be different if I didn't have three younger sisters? I cannot imagine what it would be like not to have Deb, Shirl and Shelia and their families as part of my life. I think of all the times the family has gotten together over the years and how different it would be if my sisters were not there. I love my sisters (even though we have had arguments and pissed each other off so many times all of our lives), but I don't think I would be the person I am today without my three baby sisters!!!!

WHAT IF I had not married Dave and married someone else? How different would my life be? Would I be happy? Would I have had 3 or 4 children instead of just one? Would I have put up with all the bullshit that I have put up with for so many years if I was married to some one else? Even though things are 90% better now than they have ever been, should I settle for not being 100% happy with my marriage? Is 100% happy even realistic in any relationship? I have said before that with my relationship with Dave that all I ask for is chocolate and as hard as he has tried, I only get Skittles. I know he is trying to please me, but I'm not getting the chocolate that I need!!!!!

WHAT IF I didn't have my wonderful daughter? She is absolutely the best daughter in the world. I can't imagine not having her in my life. We do things together and have fun and she is my one soft place to fall and my rock to lean on when I am feeling down and out. Not only is she my best friend, she is probably the smartest woman I know and tells me like it is whether I want to hear it or not (kind of like her Aunt Shirley). She helps me see things from a different perspective and helps me solve some emotional and mental problems even though she doesn't always realize that she has done so. She is funny, smart, beautiful, kind, hard working, ambitious and has the kind of confidence in her abilities that I envy. I try very hard not to depend on her for my only source of entertainment, but she does ask me to go places with her and we always have fun and I am always happy when I am with her. I love the fact that she can share "secrets" with me and know that her secrets are safe with me. We always schedule our pedicures for the same day each month and it is one of my favorite things we do together.

WHAT IF I was completely healthy and did not have diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts and was not a big fat hog??? All my health problems would disappear (well maybe not the mental health issues) and I could live a long healthy life if I lost weight. Why do I procrastinate eating healthy and exercising regularly? I have always said that I would die for Kristen, but why don't I succeed in living longer for Kristen. Just think how much easier my old age (okay older age, I am already old!!) would be for me and for her if I would just get off my fat ass and exercise, quit smoking and eat healthy and take care of myself better. That one I think I figured out. I have always put myself at the bottom of the list of things to take care of first, but I just realized that I am not even on the list. I want to be at the top of the list, but I am such a "people pleaser" that I usually put everyone else up there because I don't want anyone to be mad at me or not like me or hurt anyone's feelings. I know that has to change, but I also know that after 55 years, it will not happen overnight. I need to learn to say "NO" more often and that is something I am going to work on. I just made that promise to myself - No one will be more important than I am!!!!!

WHAT IF I had the confidence to go back to school and become a certified public accountant? That is what I wanted to do when I graduated from high school. It seems a little dumb to try that now since by the time I finished school, it would be time to retire, but at least I could say I had a degree in something. I do love doing medical transcription, but technology is going to make those kind of jobs few and far between. Is it too late to start a new career? Again, that "failure" thing comes to mind that I would not be able to "cut the mustard" and not be able to finish school and get a job at my age. I like working with numbers and I love to type and enter data entry, but I don't know if I have the ability or the confidence to actually start something like that at my age. I guess I will never know if I don't try. Something more to "what if" about right now.