Mother, Mother, Mother

What can I say about my mother? I love her to death, but sometimes, most times, almost all the time, she can drive a person to drink. I don't know how to deal with her whining, hinting, pity parties, aches, complaints, ridiculous ideas and attention getting actions. She has called me four (yes four) times today. Once was to get the lottery numbers from the newspaper. Later it was just to tell me that she was getting in the shower and just wanted someone to know in case she slipped and fell. Again she called to see if I had heard from my brother, Richard and the fourth time was to tell me that Richard had called her and he is having some problems following his knee surgery and hoped that I would call him with all the answers he needed to miraculously heal by the end of the day.

I try very hard to be patient with her because I can understand that she is lonely and her only mode of transportation is walking and it is cold outside and she does have breathing problems and arthritis problems, but I wish she did not use her children and grandchildren as her only source of entertainment. I have talked with my sister, Shirley, about this and she has told me that "we" have to be the parent and treat her and talk to her like she is the child who does not get everything she wants when she wants it. I agree totally with Shirley, but I have a hard time doing it. Something I think about every day - saying no without hurting her feelings or making her feel like she is a burden to her children.

I feel like she thinks that if we are not working, we should be spending every minute with her at her house, take her shopping, take her to Jackson, take her to lunch or dinner, take her to get a pedicure, etc. and does not WANT to understand that we are tired, have our own houses to clean, groceries to buy, spend time with our kids, take a nap, read a book or just sit and watch a movie. She makes me feel guilty that I want to do these things for myself and that I am being selfish if I do.

I have a very hard time saying "No" to anyone, but especially my mother. After all, I think about what she went through having so many kids so close together in age and what she must have felt like trying to take care of us. She must have wanted some alone time way back when we were kids, but she didn't and I think she even enjoyed it. I think she loves being a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother. BUT, I think she feels that she has earned that same kind of devotion she had for us from all of us. Unfortunately, the world is different now than it was back then and wives now have full time jobs, have interests that she doesn't understand and probably doesn't think that we are tired and CAN and DO things because we want to and not because we have to.

I have talked to her on numerous occasions about taking up a hobby - reading, knitting, jigsaw puzzles and things like that. Not only would I find them relaxing, the time flies when I would do those kind of things and the day goes by much faster. She needs to learn to entertain herself and not depend on her kids to have fun. I love it when we do all get together for holidays and birthdays, but I don't think it would be so much fun if it became an every day thing or an obligation to attend when you have other things you want to do.

I guess part of me is afraid that if I say "No" or Maybe later" that if something happens and she passed away, I would feel terrible that the last thing she asked me to do for her I didn't make the effort to do and I would never be able to forgive myself for not doing it for her. I know she won't be around forever, but it just seems like she is never content with what she gets or wants and that I am constantly doing things for her that I really don't want to do, have time to do or it is something she could easily do herself. How do the rest of you handle the "guilt" part of this?

And you know the scary thing about this???? I'm afraid that Kristen is going to feel the same way about me that I do about my mother!!!! I hope I have learned a lesson from mom and not count on Kristen to be my only source of entertainment, errand girl, "get me out of the house" person, cry on her shoulder person - and just be a fun mother who she wants to visit and enjoys being around. Really Kristen, I pray for that every time I do something for my mom that I really don't want to do!!!