Time for the Weight Issue

As you all know, I am overweight, actually obese. I know this is at the root of all of my health problems - diabetes, high blood pressure and depression. But why don't I do something about it? Probably because I use food to medicate myself, calm myself, comfort myself, for celebrations and as an excuse. I don't want to fail. I have a great fear of failing at everything I do and so therefore, I just don't try. I have lost the 30 pounds and gained back 40 pounds so many times and I figure why put myself through another failure. I eat even when I am not hungry. If it looks good, I will eat it and if it tastes good, I eat even more. I don't know why I eat. I have kept a food journal in the past and was surprised at how much I put in my mouth every day, but that hasn't kept me from doing it again the next day.

I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser thinking that would inspire me to change my thoughts about food, but tonight after the show was over, I started thinking that maybe I am eating to avoid success. If I lose a lot of weight, I would have to work harder just to keep it off and then there is the fear of failure again.

I have told myself that people will either like me the way I am or not, and it should not matter what I look like, but the kind of person I am. Wrong!!! I have told myself that I am such a control freak but fear hurting others with what I want to say to them, that what I put in my body is under my control. Wrong!!! It hurts no one but myself. Wrong!!! I have told myself that I just need someone to show me the way, but that has not worked either. I tried Weight Watchers and was very successful, but it was a program at Blue Shield where I worked where the person actually came once a week during lunch time to encourage and keep track of the weight we had lost or gained. When the program ended and I had no one to account to, I gained all the weight back. I could have joined the local Weight Watchers, but I didn't because it was just one more thing that I had to do. The truth of the matter is that I have never REALLY tried to lose weight for MYSELF. It was always to impress or please someone else - Dave, Kristen, my coworkers, my mother, my doctor - although none of them ever knew that, so I can't blame them. I have taken diet pills that helped, but if there was a great temptation, I ate even when I was not hungry. I know the two most important rules to lose weight is to eat healthy and just move in some fashion. Like I said before, some mornings it is just so hard to get out of bed, I just want to lay there and cry, so I always promise myself that I will start tomorrow.

Two things happened tonight while watching the Biggest Loser. During a commercial, I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. My alarm clock is on the dresser and you actually have to get out of bed to turn it off. Once I am up, I won't go back to bed. I am going for a walk in the morning or at least get up and do some exercises on TV. Kristen showed me how to use On Demand for free exercise shows a few weeks ago and I am going to try to exercise for the 20 minutes the programs are set up for. Second - and this is a big one for me - I usually have a "snack" while watching the show, but tonight I realized that I was not hungry and I didn't eat anything, but drank a glass of water.

It seems like a light bulb went off tonight and I realized that I have to lose weight for myself and my health and not try to impress or please anyone. Even if I only lose a pound a week, that is okay. I always want instant gratification and I want to see a 10 pound weight loss every week. I have said this before, but now I some how really believe that I didn't gain 10 pounds in a week, so it is oky if I don't lose 10 pounds in a week. A pound a week is 52 pounds in a year and while I need to lose a lot more weight than that, I don't want to be disappointed if I only lose 30 pounds in a year. That's 30 pounds I didn't gain!!!!!

Kristen lives across the street from Lodi High and we have talked about getting together and walking the track (four times around is a mile) and I am going to try that with or without Kristen. When she is too busy, I can't let that be the excuse not to do it myself and not depend on her to motivate me to just keep moving.

So between just walking around the block, exercising with the TV and walking the track, I am really going to just move some how every day. I don't know what my weight is exactly and I am not going to weigh myself. If I lose weight, I will be tempted to "celebrate" with food and if I don't lose weight, I won't feel like a failure. When my clothes start falling off, I will just try to find a new size that fits, but to be honest, I have clothes that are at least 2 sizes to small in my closet, so I may not have to shop for a while. That's okay. I hate shopping!!!!

So everyone have good thoughts that I can succeed in my new way of thinking and maybe the next time you see me (Tammy, I mean you) you won't recognize me. HA HA. That was supposed to be funny. But at least I might be healthier. And yes, I will blog about quitting smoking some other time!!!!