Things you might not know...

Just wanted to share some things you might not know and maybe you don't even want to know, but just felt the need to say them.

I am a people pleaser and do a lot of things I don't want to do, don't want to say and don't want to listen to. I do have this big fear that no one will like me if they knew what I was really thinking and saying in my head. I think that is why I have so many headaches. Tension from being "so nice" is really starting to get to me. I also don't do a lot of things that I would enjoy because I fear that someone will think I am dumb, inconsiderate or just not a nice person. I feel like I am having a harder time trying to please everyone and that I might just explode one day. Can't you see the newspaper headline now - ELAINE'S HEAD EXPLODED FROM BEING TOO NICE. I have spoken to my doctor about this and how I feel like I just want to "runaway from home" and just be myself - no phones, no chores, no favors, no one to ask me to do something for them - just do what I want and not worry about doing things for others. I think the only one who really understands this is Kristen, probably because I have told her so. I know I can say no to her and she will understand. She is the best thing in my life and I love her so very much.

I am also a control freak and a lot of things bother me deeply, but I don't know how to fix them. I want the whole world to get along and do things for others that they might not want to do (after reading the above paragraph, you would think that is a contradiction in my thought processes, but I guess if I do it, why doesn't every one else?). I don't know if this makes me crazy or not!!! I spoke to my psychiatrist one time about the relationship between Dave and his mother and how I did not like the way each treated the other. He explained to me that they did not have a problem with their relationship or they would be sitting in the chair opposite him trying to find a solution. I explained to him that I was never comfortable when both of them were in the same room because I never knew if one would say something to upset the other and I didn't want to witness the conversation. Also, Dave would complain to me about his mother and his mother would complain to me about Dave and I didn't know what to say to make either feel better. The doctor said that it was my problem and I was trying to control something that really had nothing to do with my relationship with either one of them and I should let them have the relationship that they wanted and not try to change them to make myself more comfortable. I find that I do that with a lot of people who do not really get along or who I know have had a disagreement. I try to tell myself that it is not MY problem, but I want to help them get along and love each other as much as I love them both. I understood what the doctor was saying, just can't seem to make it happen!!!!

I do not take criticism well. My feelings get hurt very easily and when someone says something negative about what I have said, done, cooked, cleaned, the way I drive, the foods I eat, the TV shows I like to watch, the way I treat my mother, the way I treat my daughter (by doing too much for her) or other things like that, I feel like some one just punched me in the gut. I think that is my fear of failure that always rears its ugly head and the fear that the person will not like me, have less respect for me and not treat me as nicely as I try to treat them. I know you can learn a lot from constructive criticism, but why do I always take it as a big failure to the other person. I try hard to do everything right, but I obviously don't think everyone thinks that about me and it makes me crazy. The funny thing is that I don't remember being criticized much when I was a kid, but as an adult, I feel almost every day someone wants to tell me the "correct" way to do or say or treat people or drive or even what I make for dinner. It's not always Dave - it is almost every one I love and I fear that these people will stop loving me if I don't do things their way. I have been working on this for a long time and I do feel that I have made some progress, but I still feel guilty when I speak up for myself or just tell the person to F*#$ off and leave me alone.

More stuff you might not know at a later time. This was very hard for me to write. Hope no one is mad at me!!!!