Okay, it's time to blog!!!

Okay, the short version because I'm not ready to tell the long story. I have been having problems with my stomach, sleeping problems and some mental health issues that make me sad and I seem to cry for no reason. I had a very long visit with my doctor (he noticed something was wrong when I was there when Dave had an appointment and insisted I see him). Both Dave and Kristen offered to go with me, but I felt I needed to see my doctor by myself, and while I shared most of my visit with both of them, I just wasn't comfortable with them being in the room while I was with the doctor.

My doctor is now setting up an appointment to see a gastroenterologist to help with all my stomach problems (diarrhea, loss of appetite, pain when I do eat) and I am waiting for his office to call me. I am also going to see a doctor who specializes with sleep disorders to see if we can take care of that problem also.

My doctor is also setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk with me and monitor the medications that I take for my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I have heard that this psychiatrist is very good. The only thing that scares me about this doctor is that he likes to "invite" my family - husband, daughter, mother, brother and sisters, friends or anyone else who he thinks might help me solve my problems. He likes to see how the family and friends interpret what is going on in my life and how they feel about it and how supportive they might be with the treatment plan. This scares me to death, but maybe it is just what I need.

Anyway, I feel I am on the right track now and maybe after a while all my blogs will be about positive things!!!!

Wow, has it really been that long since I blogged???

I can't believe I have not blogged in such a long time. Just no excuse, just lazy on my part. My brain is so full of thoughts I don't even know where to begin. It has been exhausting taking Dave to physical therapy every day for the last month and then rushing home to cook dinner. I have been deeply depressed in the last month and can't seem to get passed it and I don't know what I am going to do. I find myself crying for no reason and just want to sleep all the time and then I am awake most of the night. I think my sleep pattern has contributed to a lot of my depression. I took Dave to see our doctor on Feb. 26th for follow up on his back and the doctor noticed something because when we were leaving he told me that he wanted to see me and asked the nurse to make me an appointment for the next time I could get in as the last patient of the day - which gives us lots of time to talk without him worrying about another patient waiting for him. If he noticed, I guess I am in bad shape. My appointment is on March 10th at 4:30. It seems so far away, but I know it will be here sooner than I think.

I invited Dave's sister, Von and her boyfriend, Mike, over on Feb 21st for Dave's birthday lunch. The surprise was on us. On January 21st, they went to City Hall in San Francisco and got MARRIED. They have been together for over 30 years and just now decided to get married. They have had their ups and downs over the years, but always seemed to find their way back together, so I am happy for them. Von is 63 and Mike is 61, so I guess you really can find happiness at any age!!!! I have to say that I was a little tense about them coming to visit. I have not talked to Von since her mother died last summer and she didn't help with any of the things that go with the death of a parent and I guess I was just a little pissed that she didn't help with the clean up or the garage sale. We spent the afternoon looking at 3 boxes of pictures of her family so that she could take the ones she wanted. There were actually 4 boxes of pictures, but it got late and frankly we were all a little tired of looking at pictures!!! She ended up taking about 1 box (I'm talking moving box size, not shoe boxes), so I still have 3 boxes with pictures, photo albums and picture frames to either pack away, throw away or put on display!!!!!

Dave and I went to Jackson on his birthday, Feb. 23rd and had a good time. We didn't really win anything, but hit enough little jackpots to keep us there all day. Dave actually came home with $100 more than he started with and I hit a jackpot on the Wheel of Fortune quarter machine for 1,000 quarters so that was fun. Dave hit a lot of $100 jackpots on the $1 machines, but after a while we put most of it back in the machines. It was a fun day and I'm glad we went.

I have had a terrible headache for the last month that just doesn't want to go away. I teased Dave that I must have a brain tumor!!!! It is probably just a combination of depression, sleep disturbance, not having a job. It is really starting to affect the pocketbook!!! I never made that much money but it was nice to have a little extra and not have to count pennies!!!

I will try to blog more often, but to be honest, last week Dave was on vacation and I only turned my computer on once the whole time. I have lost interest in doing just about everything. I never read the paper (I used to wake up eager to read what was going on in the world and the big city of Lodi), it takes me 3 weeks to read a book (used to read 2 or 3 a week), TV is just noise to me now and I don't want to really talk to anyone. I only call mom because I don't want her calling Kris or Dave to see why I am not answering my phone. I think I just need a vacation all alone!!!!

I will try to do better about blogging, but I am not making any promises. Just don't give up on me!!!!

Things you might not know...

Just wanted to share some things you might not know and maybe you don't even want to know, but just felt the need to say them.

I am a people pleaser and do a lot of things I don't want to do, don't want to say and don't want to listen to. I do have this big fear that no one will like me if they knew what I was really thinking and saying in my head. I think that is why I have so many headaches. Tension from being "so nice" is really starting to get to me. I also don't do a lot of things that I would enjoy because I fear that someone will think I am dumb, inconsiderate or just not a nice person. I feel like I am having a harder time trying to please everyone and that I might just explode one day. Can't you see the newspaper headline now - ELAINE'S HEAD EXPLODED FROM BEING TOO NICE. I have spoken to my doctor about this and how I feel like I just want to "runaway from home" and just be myself - no phones, no chores, no favors, no one to ask me to do something for them - just do what I want and not worry about doing things for others. I think the only one who really understands this is Kristen, probably because I have told her so. I know I can say no to her and she will understand. She is the best thing in my life and I love her so very much.

I am also a control freak and a lot of things bother me deeply, but I don't know how to fix them. I want the whole world to get along and do things for others that they might not want to do (after reading the above paragraph, you would think that is a contradiction in my thought processes, but I guess if I do it, why doesn't every one else?). I don't know if this makes me crazy or not!!! I spoke to my psychiatrist one time about the relationship between Dave and his mother and how I did not like the way each treated the other. He explained to me that they did not have a problem with their relationship or they would be sitting in the chair opposite him trying to find a solution. I explained to him that I was never comfortable when both of them were in the same room because I never knew if one would say something to upset the other and I didn't want to witness the conversation. Also, Dave would complain to me about his mother and his mother would complain to me about Dave and I didn't know what to say to make either feel better. The doctor said that it was my problem and I was trying to control something that really had nothing to do with my relationship with either one of them and I should let them have the relationship that they wanted and not try to change them to make myself more comfortable. I find that I do that with a lot of people who do not really get along or who I know have had a disagreement. I try to tell myself that it is not MY problem, but I want to help them get along and love each other as much as I love them both. I understood what the doctor was saying, just can't seem to make it happen!!!!

I do not take criticism well. My feelings get hurt very easily and when someone says something negative about what I have said, done, cooked, cleaned, the way I drive, the foods I eat, the TV shows I like to watch, the way I treat my mother, the way I treat my daughter (by doing too much for her) or other things like that, I feel like some one just punched me in the gut. I think that is my fear of failure that always rears its ugly head and the fear that the person will not like me, have less respect for me and not treat me as nicely as I try to treat them. I know you can learn a lot from constructive criticism, but why do I always take it as a big failure to the other person. I try hard to do everything right, but I obviously don't think everyone thinks that about me and it makes me crazy. The funny thing is that I don't remember being criticized much when I was a kid, but as an adult, I feel almost every day someone wants to tell me the "correct" way to do or say or treat people or drive or even what I make for dinner. It's not always Dave - it is almost every one I love and I fear that these people will stop loving me if I don't do things their way. I have been working on this for a long time and I do feel that I have made some progress, but I still feel guilty when I speak up for myself or just tell the person to F*#$ off and leave me alone.

More stuff you might not know at a later time. This was very hard for me to write. Hope no one is mad at me!!!!

Yes, I know.....

Yes, it has been a long time since I have written anything and I have no real excuse. It is just hard to sit down and write what you are thinking and feeling. I am ashamed of myself for not taking the time to get things off my chest. Some days I feel like the world is going to fall down around me and I panic and just try to sleep the day away. Basically I think I am just hiding from my problems - I guess that is called denial - and think that tomorrow I will do what needs to be done and said - I guess that is called wishful thinking - but I just keep putting things off. I think I feel like if I don't want to think about it, no one would want to read about it, so I just don't do anything. So, I am going to try to blog something at least a couple of times a week from now on, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. So keep bugging me about it if I don't.

What If......????

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last few days and a lot of my thoughts were "what if?" Dave says I am the "what if queen", but he means it as a compliment. I am always asking "what if" when we go to the doctor or buy something big (like a car) and things like that. He says I always bring up things he never even thinks about and he likes it that I think about all the "what ifs" that I do. He thinks it is a sign of intelligence that I think "on my feet" about such things. Anyway, most of my what ifs lately have not always been good things, but I feel the need to share some of them tonight. A lot of them have been on my mind a lot over the years and for some reason the last few days have just been one "what if" after another. So here goes.

WHAT IF my father were still alive and had not died at the age of 46? How would he and my mom be doing right now? Would he be healthy and able to take care of mom - getting her to the doctor and taking her shopping and things like that. Would we all gather together for the holidays at their house? Would us kids be planning their 60th wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day this year? I know he would love being around his grandchildren and great grandchildren and make each one of them feel special. He always made me feel that way. I mentioned this to Shirley the other day that my one big regret is that when Dad was so sick, I never told him that I loved him. By the same token, he never told me that he loved me either, but I always felt especially loved by my father and that he had enough love in his heart to love all of us kids equally, BUT I always think that he loved me most!!!!! Just kidding!!

WHAT IF my parents had stopped having children after I was born? How would my life be different if I didn't have three younger sisters? I cannot imagine what it would be like not to have Deb, Shirl and Shelia and their families as part of my life. I think of all the times the family has gotten together over the years and how different it would be if my sisters were not there. I love my sisters (even though we have had arguments and pissed each other off so many times all of our lives), but I don't think I would be the person I am today without my three baby sisters!!!!

WHAT IF I had not married Dave and married someone else? How different would my life be? Would I be happy? Would I have had 3 or 4 children instead of just one? Would I have put up with all the bullshit that I have put up with for so many years if I was married to some one else? Even though things are 90% better now than they have ever been, should I settle for not being 100% happy with my marriage? Is 100% happy even realistic in any relationship? I have said before that with my relationship with Dave that all I ask for is chocolate and as hard as he has tried, I only get Skittles. I know he is trying to please me, but I'm not getting the chocolate that I need!!!!!

WHAT IF I didn't have my wonderful daughter? She is absolutely the best daughter in the world. I can't imagine not having her in my life. We do things together and have fun and she is my one soft place to fall and my rock to lean on when I am feeling down and out. Not only is she my best friend, she is probably the smartest woman I know and tells me like it is whether I want to hear it or not (kind of like her Aunt Shirley). She helps me see things from a different perspective and helps me solve some emotional and mental problems even though she doesn't always realize that she has done so. She is funny, smart, beautiful, kind, hard working, ambitious and has the kind of confidence in her abilities that I envy. I try very hard not to depend on her for my only source of entertainment, but she does ask me to go places with her and we always have fun and I am always happy when I am with her. I love the fact that she can share "secrets" with me and know that her secrets are safe with me. We always schedule our pedicures for the same day each month and it is one of my favorite things we do together.

WHAT IF I was completely healthy and did not have diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts and was not a big fat hog??? All my health problems would disappear (well maybe not the mental health issues) and I could live a long healthy life if I lost weight. Why do I procrastinate eating healthy and exercising regularly? I have always said that I would die for Kristen, but why don't I succeed in living longer for Kristen. Just think how much easier my old age (okay older age, I am already old!!) would be for me and for her if I would just get off my fat ass and exercise, quit smoking and eat healthy and take care of myself better. That one I think I figured out. I have always put myself at the bottom of the list of things to take care of first, but I just realized that I am not even on the list. I want to be at the top of the list, but I am such a "people pleaser" that I usually put everyone else up there because I don't want anyone to be mad at me or not like me or hurt anyone's feelings. I know that has to change, but I also know that after 55 years, it will not happen overnight. I need to learn to say "NO" more often and that is something I am going to work on. I just made that promise to myself - No one will be more important than I am!!!!!

WHAT IF I had the confidence to go back to school and become a certified public accountant? That is what I wanted to do when I graduated from high school. It seems a little dumb to try that now since by the time I finished school, it would be time to retire, but at least I could say I had a degree in something. I do love doing medical transcription, but technology is going to make those kind of jobs few and far between. Is it too late to start a new career? Again, that "failure" thing comes to mind that I would not be able to "cut the mustard" and not be able to finish school and get a job at my age. I like working with numbers and I love to type and enter data entry, but I don't know if I have the ability or the confidence to actually start something like that at my age. I guess I will never know if I don't try. Something more to "what if" about right now.

Somehow Today Seems Better!!!

I woke up this morning and actually hopped right out of bed with a new determination to make it a great day. I took care of all of Dave's doctor's appointments (read prior blog) and was done by 10:00. Dave is going to be having a lot of appointments in the next 2 weeks and as luck would have it, I emailed him the dates and times and he does not have any meetings or reasons to work late on those dates. Yeah for me and yeah for him. I decided to make some homemade turkey wing and rice soup (I made it from the carcass of the turkey after Christmas and it was so good I decided to try it again). I invited Kristen since I forgot to invite her after Christmas and she enjoyed it so much she took a bowl home to take for her lunch tomorrow.

I have thought long and hard about what I am going to do about getting a job and since the Lodi News Sentinel had about 4 jobs listed, I decided I am going to try the temporary job route. I am hoping to go to two different ones here in town and see what they have to offer and then just hope for the best. I have it stuck in my head that I can only do medical transcription since I have done that for 18 years, but I know how to work in an office - typing, answering phones, filing, faxing, copying and I even have a little bookkeeping experience - so who knows what kind of jobs I might be sent to fill in for, even if it is for a few days or weeks. It might lead to a full-time job with benefits and retirement, who knows, but at least I will be working and not sitting at home moping around.

I also think it will inspire me to take better care of myself so that I don't look like a big fat hog that no one would consider hiring and I might also get healthier. I watched the Biggest Loser tonight and one of the contestants at age 28 was on about 10 medications and with about a 30 pound weight loss, he is now completely off all of his medications. That is my new goal - get rid of the medications I have to take to control my blood pressure, 3 different medications for diabetes, fatty liver and the three I take for depression and panic attacks.

So I am taking a better attitude to bed with me tonight and see if I can do that every night. OMG, I might just have inspired myself.

What am I going to do now????

Dave had a doctor's appointment today and I always go with him because 1) he would not go by himself and his health would be terrible and 2) I enjoy talking with our doctor because he is funny and always has a great adventure story to tell us. I think he works so he can afford all of his hobbies - he likes to snow ski, helicopter snow ski, ride a motorcycle, fly a plane and travel all over the world. He just got back from a vacation in Vietnam.

Anyway, at the last appointment that Dave and I went to in September, he talked to me about doing his transcription for him and the doctor that he shares his office with. He said he would call me after he got back from vacation and we would talk again. That was about the time mom started her radiation treatments and I was busy and didn't really think about working at that time.

Anyway, I talked with him today and he told me that they are now going to voice recognition dictation, which will be typed as he speaks. If you have ever gone to the doctor with mom, you know how they have a computer in the exam room and they can pull up information within a few seconds including lab results and consultation notes from other doctors. That pretty much means that most doctors in this town are no longer going to need transcriptionists.

So, here I am at age 55, eager and willing to work, and probably will take months to find a job. Of any kind. I don't even think I could get a job flipping burgers because of my age and inexperience. I have been doing transcription work for 18 years.

I have spent the evening trying not to let Dave know how much this bothers me and how sad I am that the job that I love so much is being eliminated. I spoke with Kris and couldn't bring myself to even tell her for fear that I would start crying. I really want to work in some capacity and I don't even care what kind of work it is, but I just feel the need to bring in some sort of income. I don't want to be a housewife. I want to work!!!!

I guess I have already become Dave's private secretary. Dave was having severe pain in his right leg that has progressively gotten worse. Dave has had problems with left-sided sciatica pain for several years. There is pressure on his spine that presses against his sciatic nerve and evidently when he was remodeling the bathroom, his spine twisted and now the pain is on the right side. So tomorrow I am calling a physical therapist to set up an appointment and make sure I don't need a prior authorization so he can start physical therapy 3 times a week for 4 weeks. The doctor also wants him to see a chiropractor so I have to make that appointment also and call the insurance company to see if it is even a covered procedure with Dave's insurance. I already went to the pharmacy and picked up some pain pills for him. Dave is also having problems hearing, so I am calling to get him an appointment for a hearing test and see if he needs a hearing aid. I will probably have to clear that with the insurance company also to see what extent of a hearing test he needs to qualify for a hearng aid.

Anyway, the tears are starting to fall and I don't want to go to bed until they stop so I don't wake Dave up. With his pain pills, he is probably in a deep sleep anyway!!!!!

If you have any ideas or job leads, let me know. I will work for minimum wage, but I feel like I just have to find a job now. It is not so much for the money (but who couldn't use more money), but for my own self esteem - to let the world know that I am a hard working, motivated employee that can get the job done!!! I am just so depressed. I just took an extra Valium so that I can relax enough to fall asleep, but I don't think that I will get much sleep tonight.